Can you name your core values?

an exploratory and introspective start to a financial plan

List your top 5 values. I asked this question to a family Letterloop recently without any context. While most people responded with things such as family, love, and kindness - there was some misunderstanding (or possible facetiousness) as to what value I was inquiring about, as one response read:

Any 2-for-1 deals.

Cyber Monday.

Boba tea punch cards.

McPick 2-for-$5.

Free airline miles when you fill out this survey.

Apparently, not everyone has a note pinned at the top of their notes app titled “Values.”

I do, though. And maybe you should, too.

Let me explain.

I have almost 200 notes on my phone despite my continual culling of detritus. Right next to my weekly menu and to-do list sits “Values.” There are a few quotes and a bulleted list. At the top of it is written, “Do no harm; Take no shit.”

It's read this for some time. Before identifying and giving names to my values, I ran into this idea and thought - this is me; this is what I want to cultivate.

What it meant to me then, though, is not what it means to me now.

Then, it meant not letting others get away with believing stupid things, treating me poorly, etc. I wanted to confront the ‘problem’ head-on and call it out. Unfortunately, that does a lot of harm—usually to both the other person and to me.

Now (with the help of a few years, some therapy, reading, and reflection), I see it a bit differently. I still value doing no harm. The ‘take no shit’ part of it, though, plays out a bit differently. People are going to believe stupid things, and they are going to treat me poorly, but I’m not going to let that bother me (too much). I can try to engage someone in a conversation about whole life insurance, but if they make money from selling it or have fallen for the sale themselves and aren’t really having the conversation with me - I walk away. I’m not going to take on projects where there isn’t follow-through from the others involved. It’s usually not worth my time, effort, and stress. When my husband makes a comment that hurts my feelings, I try to tell him - gently - as to why.

In other words, it’s about having a soft front but a hard back. Being open and respectful while still remaining genuine (which to me means being assertive and rational). It’s knowing and leaning into growth.

After walking through several values exercises and sitting with them for a while, my note now reads,

Do no harm. Take no shit.

Soft front. Hard back.

Genuineness & Growth

It’s a little reminder of what is important to me every time I add something to my grocery list or add another note to my collection. My therapist once told me that if you live by your values, that’s the best you can do—and that’s all any of us can really do.

My top ten values when I first did the values exercise. The top two have really stayed consistent across different ways of exploring my values.

What does this have to do with money? Well, I want to earn, spend, and grow money in ways that align with my values. I strive for a career where I can have growth and curiosity baked in. I spend my money on my family, my health (a gym membership, healthy foods), and in ways that support my growth and excellence (continuing education, books). I focus on investing with simplicity (think index funds).

Money is a tool. If we don't take the time to understand ourselves and what we want, we won't know how to deploy the tool.

Your turn

What are your core values? It’s not something you usually pull out of thin air, so do you get to identify and interrogate your values?

• Start with what a value is -

Brené Brown defines them as “the beliefs that are most important to you, that help you find your way in the dark, that fill you with a feeling of purpose.”

The Live Your Values Deck has a reminder that I always read to people as they embark on sussing out their values: “... values aren’t meant to be aspirational, like how you want to be or how you think you should be or wish you were. Instead, they’re meant to reflect who you are today, at your core, independent of jobs, relationships, family, friends, and life circumstances.”

• Next, make a list of words that resonate and describe your values.

I used The Live Your Values Deck with my therapist and loved it so much that I bought one for myself to use with others. I’ve done it with my husband and most of our recent visitors.

Brené Brown has a list, exercise, and podcast episode on values.

You can also just ask your favorite AI to list 100 core values and write down the ones that you identify with.

Aim to get 10-15 here. It’s hard to narrow down. No one values laziness or rudeness. They all sound pretty good. It feels bad that civic engagement isn’t one of your core values. What about forgiveness? The Live Your Values Deck asks you to sort cards labeled with values into piles of ‘Doesn’t Matter to Me,’ ‘Matters to Some Me,’ and ‘Matters to Me Most.’ Thinking about what doesn’t matter was a helpful framework for me.

• Then, narrow it down.

I like Brené Brown's recommendation to get it down to two core values. She asks - What are the one or two values where everything else is forged? All these are great, but without them, there's really nothing. Does this define me? Is this who I am at my best? Is this a filter I use to make hard decisions?

• Once you have identified your values, take some time to think about what they mean.

What does it look like to you? What behaviors support your value(s)? What behaviors are outside your value(s)?

We will add the money aspect later. An exploratory and introspective exercise like this is useful in its own right and, to me, a better starting point for a financial plan than jumping right to your net worth. Understanding your values is also going to tee us up for digging deeper into life planning next week.